Fathoming and Doodling

I am at big point in my life, you can feel it, its a big deal, your mind knows it, your body knows it. I dont.believe im up to it, though thats because ive never been here before. Fear of the unknown is only natural. I can almost see my self objectively, like I could watch it happen to me, though the heavy emotions of the circunstance draw me back. Im training to be a teaching, and im coming up to my last 2 weeks practice, make or break, atleast thats how they make it feel. A small part of me could happily bolt, runaway from this situation, the most of me would stay though.the tangible stress is most frustrating, im lucky I have a thick skin. Being a teacher will be easier they say, you’ve got to pass training first!

Nothing that is worth anything will come easy, you will always have to fight for what you want, life is made that way. Like they say Rome wasn’t made in a day. Keeping at it! 

Something I’m having to remind myself of a lot at the moment!

Currently I spend my time rushing from one thing to another in my life. There never seems an end to the ‘to do’ lists and completing one set gives birth to a new list as a result. I am studying to be a teacher in England, i’d say it was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done, though I never had a lack of motivation until this year, my final year. 

I can normally just put my head down and get things done, but the lack of character in the school i’m in, as with many other schools, and after seeing how children get taught abroad; more successfully, has lead to this apathy i feel. My heart wants out of this course, but my brain tells me this is irrational and i should finish what I have started and worked hard for, stay and reap the rewards. I never understood how someone who had worked at something for so long could give up, though I can relate to those feelings at the moment, though I know it would be folly to listen and take action upon those thoughts alone.

I lack enough time to sit and collect myself, my thoughts and my feelings in this rush. In the rush of thoughts that I have little time, but one stands out to me. I wonder if in this quick paced world, others feel the same, this despondency that arises sometimes when you feel things are fine before hand, though you know if you had more time for you and didn’t give so much to the world, you would feel happier.

Machines were made claiming they would save us time. Though the time saved has been saved for more work. Work created by us humans as a ‘need’ a ‘necessity’. I wonder from this how much we ‘need’ and as we are taught to want everything. We are bombarded by a rush of advertising, urging us to rush to the New Year Sales, to rush to get Christmas presents, Easter Eggs, book your annual holiday. We have holidays to help us feel whole again, as opposed to holey. The world around us is created by our ‘wants’. If we actually were honest with our selves, all we need is some shelter, sleep, some food and water and love. Though people wonder  why they feel unattached and faded, I wondered myself for a long time, retail therapy is taught as a cure to our melancholy, though only feeds our wants more. 

As alot of us are always in a rush, sometimes we just want to stop, it’s only natural, though an opportunity for this would be welcome more often than it occurs. Though even when we stop, our mind is so unused to being still, it craves to rush again for fear if it stops it will never get going again. Our entire existence is based on opposites, if we don’t balance out our experiences, we will feel the extremes of both the rush and the slow, more likely after rushing and getting ill through tiredness from no rest.

Many people in the modern age have trouble sleeping, insomnia is a common issue, that’s not a natural problem, its a man made unnatural problem. We are simple creatures who at times forget to enjoy simple things as everything becomes a blur as you rush around. Try to stop to be still, the world is a beautiful place if you stop and look. If you don’t take a choice the choice will make you, don’t live with regrets.